» ''Having A Timetable For Sex Can Boost Your Relationship'' «

Gabriel Asabi, 37, no doubt has a lot to thank his friend for.
According to him, if not for his (friend’s) initiative, his
three-year-old marriage would have hit the rocks.
Asabi, who lives in Ayetoro, Alimosho area of Lagos State,
works with a private firm in Victoria Island, and due to the
distance and the traffic that characterises his journey to
work every day, he said he usually returned home late and
tired, such that his sexual relationship was gradually losing
steam.
He noted that an unpopular advice from his friend saved
his marriage from an imminent collapse.
“My wife has been complaining and it was as if I was
helpless, so I discussed the issue with my friend and he
said my wife and I should draw a workable timetable for
sex. Initially, I dismissed the idea and I told him I found it
very silly, but when I discussed with my wife, even though
she also found it laughable, we agreed on it and drew a
timetable. Since then, it has only been getting better
because we now have sex regularly. As a matter of fact,
sex is an obligation in marriage. The earlier people see it
as one, the better,” he said.
According to him, scheduling sex has not only helped him
and his wife to Reproduce more regularly, it has enhanced
their intimacy and they now have a happier marriage.
Understandably, many human activities, especially those
that happen regularly, enjoy some planning and they make
it to people’s to-do list at some point in time. That
initiative has more or less been seen as a celebrated
approach to success in such activities, including reading,
going to the gym, doing exercises, as well as ensuring
efficiency and improved performance in certain things.
But, one important activity that has scarcely made it to
the to-do list, in spite of its frequency, is sex. This could
be because many people see it as a spontaneous activity
that happens on its own, anywhere, anytime and without
(much) planning.
It is even safe to say that long before now, it was largely
unheard of to prepare a timetable for sex. Then, it would
easily qualify as an aberration. But out of the need to
rejuvenate or save couples’ sex lives from collapse,
scheduling sex is now one of the options being canvassed
by experts as a solution to a waning sex life.
Going by Asabi’s experience, which was occasioned by an
overwhelming job demand, other reasons that could prompt
a sex timetable include depreciating sex drive and
unequalled libido between couples.
Some critics of the approach have argued that drafting
such a timetable is not romantic and that it could make
sex look like an obligation and make it boring. But the
proponents say the timetable does not only ensure that
couples have more sex, which guarantees them the
benefits derivable from sex, gives them an impression that
they are both working hard to make the relationship work,
it helps the couple to prepare their mind and body for the
exercise, enhances their bonding and ultimately brings
about a happier marriage.
The proponents explain that even though the timetable is
not sacrosanct, as it is subject to change and
compromises, the anticipation and the countdown to date
and time make it something to look forward to, and that
since such people could still have sex on other days
different from those in the calendar, its overall benefit in
enhancing couples’ sex lives and ultimately their marriage
makes it important.
Worthy of note is that setting a workable sex timetable
requires the input of both parties, and some of the many
important factors to consider include the sex drive of both
parties and the time that would be relatively convenient for
both, devoid of interruptions by children or any other
person. It could also include who makes the first move, a
measure that has been found to further strengthen
openness and bonding in marriage.
A respondent, who identified herself simply as Kemi, told
Saturday PUNCH that she and her husband have a sex
timetable. She said even though it was not pasted on the
wall the conventional way, they both have copies. She
added, “We have sex three times a week and on such days,
we could exchange text message during the day reminding
ourselves of what is to happen at night. It enables us to
fantasise about it and we look forward to it.”
According to the Dean of the Institute for Advanced Studies
of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, United States, Dr.
Janice Epp, scheduling sex might be the way to go for
couples who have very demanding jobs.
He told Huff Post, “I frequently see a lot of very young
couples who are working 14- and 15-hour days and they
are wondering why they are not having sex. They have to
be willing to make it a priority. It may not sound terribly
romantic, but scheduling sex could be the best way for
couples who are still interested in having intercourse to
save their marriage and sex lives.
“Some people say sex should be spontaneous but I
disagree. You plan other things in your life and you don’t
complain about it. You can do the same with sex. You
should plan your sex date around a time when you and your
partner will have time and the most energy.
“By scheduling sex and committing to a schedule that
works for both of you, sex can become a valuable and
enjoyable part of your relationship again. It may not be
easy, but it’s worth it. Sex is perfectly natural but it’s not
always naturally perfect. Like anything worthwhile,
sometimes it takes work.”
One of the studies note that a sex timetable is of a greater
use to people who have low sex drive, thus making use of
a timetable can be of help because doing it frequently
makes them want to have more of it, since sex is sweet,
and if sustained it tends to boost their intimacy and
strengthen their marriage. “However, it is also important
for couples not to restrict that sweet exercise to only the
days sex appears on the to-do list or timetable. Having it
outside that window is also helpful,” it adds.
Commenting on the study, a psychologist, Prof. Oni
Fagboungbe, agreed that a sex timetable could enhance
couples’ sexual experience, intimacy and marriage. He
added, “Meaningful living is based on planning and
anything planned is more likely to turn out fine. If couples
stick to the timetable they prepared, the mere fact that
they have that table sharpens their expectation, which
could increase the zeal to perform. On the long run, it
could strengthen their relationship.
“Yes, it could make sex look like an obligation, but is life
itself not an obligation? It enables them to prepare well
because they expect it and when they follow the timetable,
it can increase their intimacy.”
According to him, the only disadvantage is that if for any
reason a party is not able to play his or her role very well
as before, it could leave room for suspicion but that they
could overcome this by talking about it.
On his part, another psychologist, Prof. Toba Elegbeleye,
said using sex timetable might not be an ideal initiative,
saying it could make sex seem like a task and that it
could be unproductive.
He added, “With a timetable, sex becomes a task and an
obligation, and the moment you see it that way, it takes
the shine off it. Apart from that, it soon becomes extremely
boring. Personally, I do not think it encourages intimacy
and the suspense can be counter-productive because it
may result in an anti-climax.
“The advantage is that both of them are tied to a
contractual understanding that puts them under obligation
to do it and it won’t permit the two to forget about sex
altogether. To that extent, there might be some advantage
but in terms of body functioning and operation, I don’t think
it’s an ideal thing to always have a scheduled time for
such.”