1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips
and diving straight for the erogenous zones
makes her feel like you're paying by the
hour and trying to get your money's worth
by cutting out non-essentials. A proper
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of pre-
intimacy.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit
it, some kid at school told you girls love
this. Well, there's a difference between
being Intimate and blowing as if you're
trying to extinguish the candles on your
50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you
have a porcupine strapped to your chin
which you rake repeatedly across your
partner's face and thighs.When she turns
her head from side to side, it's not passion,
it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act
like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness
when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke,
caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER Tips. Why do men fasten
onto a woman's Tips, then clamp down like
they're trying to deflate her body via her
breasts?
Tips are highly sensitive. They can't stand
up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently.
Flicking your tongue across them is good.
Pretending they're a dogie toy, isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER Tips. Stop doing that
thing where you twiddle the Tips between
finger and thumb like you're trying to find a
radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the
whole breasts, not just the exclamation
points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER
BODY. A woman is not a highway with just
three turnoffs: Breastville East and West,
and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast
areas of her body which you've ignored far
too often as you go bombing straight into
downtown Vagina. So start paying them
some attention.
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor
manual dexterity in the underskirt region
can result in tangled fingers and
underpants. If you're going to be that
aggressive, just ask her to take the damn
things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's
responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE femalecore. Direct
pressure is very unpleasant, so gently
rotate your fingers along side of the
femalecore.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women,
unlike men, don't pick up where they left
off. If you stop, they plummet back to
square one very fast. If you can tell she's
not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw
or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking silly, but silly she will
look when Unclad at the waist with a
sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her
like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING pre-
intimacy. Stroking her gently through her
panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking
it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the femalecore
without maps, they still believe that the
vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your
hand down there than you're trying to stuff
stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is
okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it
can hurt so don't get carried away. It's best
to pay more attention to her femalecore and
the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently
slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're
attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing
massage to get her in the mood. Hands and
fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are
not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't
force the issue by stripping before she's at
least made some move getting your stuff
off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A
man in socks and underpants is a at his
worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the
joystick-in-vagina situation, the worst thing
you can do is pump away like an industrial
power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by
your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your
great triangular hip bones into her thigh
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear.
With reason. If you shoot before you see
the whites of her eyes, make sure you have
a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may
appear to you that humping for an hour
without climaxing is the mark of a sex god,
but to her it's more likely the mark of a
numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing
wall hangings, so she has something to
hold her interest while you're playing
Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really
ought to be able to tell. Most women make
noise. But if you really don't know, don't
ask.
23) PERFORMING MouthAction TOO
GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer
of milk. Get your whole mouth down there,
and concentrate on gently rotating or
flicking your tongue on her femalecore.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men
persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-
joystick, hoping that it will lead very swiftly
to mouth-to-joystick. All women hate
this.It's about three steps from being
dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want
her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking
seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU
CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed
with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing MouthAction, warn
her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING
MouthAction. Don't thrust. She'll do all the
moving during MouthAction. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM
PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women
seem to love it when men Erupt over them.
In real life, it just means more laundry to
do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there
grunting while she does all the hard work is
not.
Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel
quite so like the captain of a schooner. And
let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND
PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is
how men earn a reputation for not being
able to follow directions. If you want to put
it there, ask her first. And don't think that
being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says,
"Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the
words "...to show my buddies." At least let
her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing
patterns on her back to pouring honey on
her and licking it off.
Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
handy props; hot candle wax and
permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST
HERS. There is no less Intimate noise. It's as
sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN silly POSES. If she
wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but
unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get
too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a
sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read
this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for
men because they have a prostate. Women
don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly Intimate
to exert some gentle suction on the sides of
the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman
wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout
encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. Makes you sound like a
lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying
until you get it right, and she might even do
the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh
more than women, so if you lie on her a bit
too long she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman
for having sex with you.Your bedroom is
not a soup kitchen.